The Parallels between Dating and Searching for a New Job
When I had my 2020 Career Crisis (featured in WAGGD), I began searching for new job opportunities and remembered my father telling me how it was almost like dating. It didn’t make much sense to me at that time except for the fact that both “sides” are looking for a good fit . As my friends were making strides in the dating arena and I was headed down the path of searching for a new job, the parallels became more evident.
I’m so thrilled to be working towards my new professional goal. I’ve also been fortunate enough to have experienced a career crisis (I know, it’s weird), but those moments of panic allowed me to get one step closer to finding my purpose. As a society, we need to focus more on sharing the journey, rather than just the end goal, and I think it’s important to be transparent and share these experiences. With that said, here’s what I’ve learned about getting one step closer to achieving your goals, and how it is kinda like dating!
5 Parallels Between Job Hunting and Dating
1. The Process
It’s rare to find a single millennial who isn’t on dating apps. They’ve taken our generation by storm and are arguably one of the most common ways to find your future partner. You know the drill: create a profile, start swiping, and then if you’re lucky, go on a first date. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, you’re probably texting your friends and stalking the heck out of this person just to make sure you’re not being totally cat-fished (among other things). When date night finally comes around, you get all dressed up and grab a glass of wine to calm the nerves and let’s be real – show off the best version of yourself. If it goes well, cheers! If not, you’re stuck doing the whole thing again. Hoping for a better end goal, but probably dreading the process
If you’re a working professional, odds are that you have a LinkedIn (also known as ‘sophisticated Hinge’). You try to make the right connections, do some stalking in stealth mode (honestly the best feature - what would we all do without it), and maybe even start some small talk. Most recruiters today utilize LinkedIn to find the best candidates. If you’re on the hunt for a new gig, you’re probably drowning in applications and sliding into every single recruiter’s DM. If you’re lucky, you’ll land the interview and get to put on your fanciest pencil skirt or button down - it’s all about the first impressions, right? After being ghosted for what seems like a million times, you’re probably ecstatic. When interview day comes around you show off all your fancy skills and pray that the interviewer actually gives a crap. Then 10 rounds later, you either get the job or have to start all over again. Sound familiar?
If the glaring similarities between the two processes aren’t apparent, let me break it down a little further. The two biggest parallels between the processes are the desire to say the right things in the hope that the person on the other side likes you. I mean who doesn’t want instant validation? (thanks Hinge/LinkedIn). Ok fine, maybe I’m salty because I’m the type of person you grow to love. How am I supposed to summarize all this goodness into one page and a few swipe-able pictures?!
2. The Psychological Need for Love and Belonging
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a psychological theory in motivation that is comprised of five tiers of human needs. The idea is that the needs that are lower down must be satisfied before those that are higher up (Simply Psychology).
As social creatures, we’re looking for belonging and acceptance (Gifts of Imperfection). The interesting thing, is that the four chemicals of our biological systems create a longing to find safety in the workplace. As a species, we’re wired to crave connection, so it really is in our biological tendencies to want the same connection and belonging that we look for in our personal relationships, at work. Understanding the importance of creating a “circle of safety” within work underscores why it’s crucial to build a team that is truly desirable to work with. When we’re able to trust our team members and leaders, it motivates us to produce better work and ultimately, enables us to achieve Maslow’s top tier – self-actualization (Leaders Eat Last).
In relationships, it’s so important to be able to transgress beyond the love and belonging you receive from your partner to potential for esteem and self-actualization. So what am I talking? Basically, being able to share the feelings of prestige and accomplishment with and for one another is crucial. It also means that in achieving one’s full potential, the joy is encouraged and shared by the other. Having to merge one’s life with another is challenging but if you’re fortunate enough to find someone with whom you’re able to be extraordinary with together rather than ordinary apart (fave Grey’s Anatomy episode, such a tear jerker) then I think you’ve hit the jackpot.
3. “There were red flags, but they went away” - said no one ever
After the end of a miserable relationship, you probably vowed to yourself that you wouldn’t do it again. Women, more-so than men, are conditioned to believe that if something checks off a few boxes then it’s ‘good enough’ (Newsflash: no, it’s not!!). If you’ve read Untamed by Glennon Doyle then you know that the ultimate goal is to be your true self and find someone who loves you for you for who you are. Sounds easy, right?
So, what are the red flags when it comes to finding work? Usually, they are characteristics of the company (or role) that don’t align with your values. A really great strategy to figure out what you’re looking for is creating “pillars” that you want in your job. If a position doesn’t have one (for example, a specific location) then don’t even bother applying. The reality is, once you apply or interview, it becomes that much harder to say no. You might as well avoid that feeling altogether. I know that this one might be hard with a high unemployment rate looming from the beginning of the pandemic but I strongly believe that prioritizing yourself and your values will allow you to live a more fulfilled life without settling.
4. External Influences Dictate our Desires
The external influences never end! Whether it’s the environment we were raised in and the messages from our parents that likely informed our decisions, (jobs, relationships, etc.) or even the images of masculinity and femininity that have set the norm within media to deem what beauty constitutes of. It’s so important to quiet the outside noise and really look inward to determine what you desire and what will make you happy. It’s really easy to be convinced otherwise - especially in the age of social media and insane focus on monetary satisfaction.
When I started to spend time on my personal development, I realized that living in San Francisco and being surrounded with the high-strung tech industry was toxic for me. It was a huge part of why I left the city and decided to redefine my idea of success. Some people reading this might vehemently disagree and claim that money = success. BUT, in the words of Alexander Hamilton, just you wait.
5. You Don’t Know What You Want, but You Know What You Don’t
One of the best pieces of advice from When’s Happy Hour by Betches was that you probably won’t know which job you want in your early twenties, but you’ll almost definitely know what you don’t want. Similarly, with dating, you don’t have to deal with sh*t twice. Once you know what you don’t want - there’s no turning back.
It's easy to be bogged down by “not knowing” but if you focus on knowing what you don’t want, it’s a simple shift in mindset that can give you some direction on how to move forward. When I began searching for a new career path, I had eggs in so many different baskets. I saw so many opportunities and I was so fortunate to have people who shared my excitement on these new ventures. But, these also came with those who were scared or jealous by my options and took it upon themselves to share that I should “choose one” or that my field of choosing was “stupid.” Don’t we all love unsolicited advice?! I’m no longer the person who may once have allowed these responses to shatter my aspirations. Instead, I allowed the negativity to make me stronger - I knew what I want and I’m able to chart my own professional and personal destiny - most of the time.
These takeaways have completely reframed my approach to job searching similar to the general approach I take with dating. If we remove the pressure, we might actually realize how lucky we are to make choices and be ‘picky’ about who and what we want to love. Before identifying my pillars for what I needed to have in the workforce, I was applying to every company and every position. I remember even thinking to myself that I wouldn’t want to work at x company, but I applied anyway. Now I’m realizing that quality over quantity could not have been more important.
If I’m to return to the job market anytime soon, I’ll be walking in with a new approach. I want to be fully authentic and find an opportunity that will serve as a symbiotic relationship between me and my potential employer (or partner). It’s never too late to change your mindset towards the process - it’s daunting but the effort will be worth it. At the end of the day, so many of us are in the same boat sharing the struggles from both.
Sources:
BETCHES. WHEN'S HAPPY HOUR?: Work Hard so You Can Hardly Work. GALLERY Books, 2019.
Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
Doyle, Glennon. Untamed. The Dial Press, 2020.
“Freedom: Part 1.” Grey's Anatomy, created by Shonda Rhimes, season 4, episode 17, ABC, 22 May 2008.
Mcleod, Saul. “Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.” Simply Psychology, Simply Psychology, 29 Dec. 2020, www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html#gsc.tab=0.
Sinek, Simon. Leaders Eat Last. Penguin Group, 2019.
