This past Sunday, I ran the Chicago Marathon with my Dad! It’s on my bucket list to run all six world major marathons and it was so special being able to cross this one off with my Dad. This is a challenging race to get a spot for due to its popularity. There are four main methods of entry: qualifying with times, fundraising through a charity, purchasing a spot through a tour provider, or winning a spot through the lottery. I was lucky to get selected during the lottery but my Dad was not so much, he had to purchase a spot through a tour provider – Seven Continents Club.

It was truly one of the most spectacular experiences in my life. From arrival, we were surrounded by runners from all around the world who united in Chicago for this special occasion. Our hotel was right off Grant Park, close to the start and finish of the race. We were able to get in our final runs near the course and see the setup for the marathon which got us even more excited for the day.

Race day arrived with near-perfect conditions, the weather was between 45-55 degrees which could not have been more ideal for running. We had fueled intentionally and received plenty of rest in the days leading up. The first 8 miles were magical, they went by in a breeze and I was really able to stick to my mantra of “This is the Chicago Marathon, you are a runner!” After Mile 8, I hit an early wall as my poor pacing took its toll. I was overcome with nausea and this continued until Mile 12. I went to the med tent because I thought I would throw up and they encouraged me to take a salt packet which helped significantly. After this, I continued but was reaching a different wall – mental fatigue at the thought of having to continue for 14 more miles. I began walking and soon it was more walking than running. I finished in 5:20 and felt absolutely no relief, joy, or excitement. Instead, I felt disappointed in my performance and frustrated at my lack of training.

I continued to suffer for the next few days. It didn’t feel like an accomplishment at all and I channeled this disappointment into motivation to do better for the 2024 Berlin Marathon. I’m registered for the 2023 New York Marathon and 2024 Dopey Challenge but since they are too close to be able to see any progress, I’ll be aiming for completion of these races.  

It wasn’t until therapy where I spent the entire session unpacking my post-race disappointment for me to realize how my mental suffering had prevented me from experiencing the joy that running brings me. My ego was preventing me from recognizing that I’m still worthy and a runner no matter my finish time. It helped me reframe the next phase of training with a new framework: the BAE model of beliefs, actions, and emotions. I’m going to be trying to hold affirming beliefs of worth and being a runner before setting out on my workouts (the action). The emotions will be what occurs as a result. My hope is that this will enable a way to feel joy through the process AND outcome, no matter the result.