How Imposter Syndrome Almost Ended My Fitness Journey

It took me so long to actually feel like a runner (see My Journey As A Recreational Runner) because of two main things:

1)    My insecurities over body image and not looking how a runner “should”

2)    Constant comparisons to others who were faster/more consistent than me

I love Strava because it helps me track my runs, show my progress run over run, and allows me to immerse myself in a community of runners. Strava is the social network for athletes - it gives users the ability to record an activity, see it on their feed and interact with friends and followers. Although it is a form of social media, it doesn’t usually reap the negative psychological effects that social media can (key word: usually) but rather motivates me to run more/faster. One day, when I was in my luteal phase (for women who don’t track their hormonal cycles, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend),  I saw an activity on Strava that sent me into a FULL-ON imposter syndrome shame-spiral. My mind was filled with thoughts like

“I’m not even a runner.”

“I should stop running because I’ll never be good.”

“I’m too slow.”

“I’m not in good enough shape.”

The list honestly goes on and on. It also didn’t help that the one thing that usually gets me out of this funt (running) didn’t help at ALL. It actually it made it worse!! I had one of the hardest runs I’ve had – despite being a short distance of only 4 miles. I really struggled the whole time and had to call my dad to pick me up at the last mile, near the trailhead entrance (which is about half a mile from my house). I ended up realizing that it would take him longer to come get me than me just run, so I did finish but felt like I was about to burst into tears.

Imposter syndrome is real. I share this because in telling my story and emphasizing the moments in which I don’t feel like a runner, I’m able to fight these negative thoughts of being an imposter through the power of affirmations and rest/disconnecting from these toxic thoughts. Running, especially long distances, teaches me so much about life. Similar to how I felt with this particular run – confused, disappointed, heading towards a shame spiral - I currently feel with continuous studying or trying to balance my academic pursuits with a social life. The key to all of this I truly believe, is to give yourself grace. Do whatever it takes to get you through the feeling. Feelings are like tunnels, when you’re in the middle, you’re too far in to turn back and still far from the end. It feels like you’re stuck (Unlocking Us). But feelings are temporary. The sooner we’re able to learn about being present and becoming silent observers to our thoughts, the sooner it is that we’re able to prevent the pain body from defining our own perceptions of ourselves and keep us from reaching our full potential (The Power of Now).

Moments like that day are usually sparse. I feel triumphant of myself for running most days, yet they aren’t completely eliminated. But it’s usually following the discomfort of those times when the biggest breakthroughs (physical + mental) occur. The week after this, I experienced energy and run performance that was close to my best yet. It wasn’t done to combat the “bad” experience but probably because the highs that come after the lows feel so much higher. You really are able to build resiliency by making it through some of those harder moments, and you can apply that momentum going forward. If it were easy the whole time, then there would be no room to grow. I try my best to visualize this during times of discomfort (oh, and also the tunnel… because who likes to be stuck in tunnels?) Let’s be real, I’m basically a plant that’s justttt about the sprout a baby leaf. And most importantly, I don’t let this negative energy stop me from setting additional goals and working towards them. We can’t define ourselves based on our worst days just like we can’t define ourselves from our best. Naturally, we’re all more critical of ourselves and tend to associate ourselves with the first. Keep growing my little plant friends, we can do this.

Sources:

Parcast Studios. “Brené with Emily and Amelia Nagoski on Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle” Unlocking Us. 14 October 2020. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-emily-and-amelia-nagoski-on-burnout-and-how-to-complete-the-stress-cycle/

Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now: a Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. Hachette Australia, 2018.