How Did I End Up Back Here?
This course could not have come into my life at a more perfect time. While the lesson I keep relearning is how to preserve my well-being in this capitalistic, productivity-maximizing society, it is important for me to live a life worth living. I stumbled across Dr. Laurie Santos's course on the Science of Wellbeing and it spearheaded my Positive Psychology journey. I prioritized the things that would make me happy on a daily basis and even ended up choosing a professional path determined to help individuals within organizations prioritize their well-being. I wish I could reflect on how I stayed on course towards this path and taking this course two years later is designed to serve as a reinforcement vs. implementation. As life continued, it took its course and I feel as though I have returned to a similar place to where I was at the beginning of the Pandemic.
It was an average morning in the suburbs of Sacramento and I had just moved home after living in San Francisco for almost three years. At the front of the trail I ran on regularly somebody had written in chalk “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. - Viktor Frankl” The feeling of electricity streamed through my body as a visceral reaction. Like that experience, I felt the same electricity take its course as I read this quote in Man’s Search for Meaning. How could I have forgotten that I don’t have a choice in the occurrences that life throws at me but I do have a choice in how I respond to them? As Frankl described in his book, it is important to embrace one’s suffering as a gift in order to maintain a hold over it Otherwise, it will take a hold of you which can result in feelings of despair, hopelessness, and grief. (Frankl, 1985). All of which surrounded all too familiar to me at the present.
It is easy to view emotions as a negative aspect of life. Earlier in the year, my friend Mindy and I discussed the choice between happiness and suffering in our daily lives. In the Armchair Expert podcast, Dax Shepard speaks to his wife, Kristen Bell, as she describes living her life choosing happiness. A simple choice that allows her to approach life with optimism, unlike Dax who experiences life as a pessimist with fear. (Shepard & Padman, 2018-Present). Recently, I had been struggling with this choice. My head was swarming with thoughts of self-doubt, inadequacy, and not being good enough. I felt as though I was a fly who had fallen into a cup, surrounded by the tall edges and the endless, uphill battle that lay ahead. It wasn’t until I read Frankl that I realized that it wasn’t about eliminating suffering and remaining happy but embracing the struggles and viewing them as a privilege.
Life has returned to the fast-paced hustle that existed pre-Pandemic. While this was expected, it was my hope to not feel how I had prior to the Pandemic. Yet, here I was again. Everything felt so overwhelming. Achieving positive well-being became challenging and my days were beginning with dread in anticipation of the endless to-dos ahead. The exhaustion and limited time towards wellness were experienced pre-Pandemic but there was guilt and disappointment for allowing myself to return to feeling these “old ways.” An imbalance of struggling identities, a desire to embrace authenticity, yet a social craving to be liked.
My favorite thing about writing is how it allows logic to stream through my illogical thoughts. When looking objectively at what happened I can’t help but notice that my happiness seemed to really decline this summer. It was a period of time when I perhaps took things too far - six consecutive weeks of travel, two international trips, financial stress, inability to prioritize wellbeing, and three summer courses (one of which was the hardest class I had taken in my program thus far), and completely unrealistic expectations on what summer would actually look like. I pictured myself reading on the Equinox pool decks, exploring New York, prioritizing dating, and returning to school rested, rejuvenated, and full of awe. That didn’t happen. I struggled to be present on my trips while balancing school and work. I began treating my health very haphazardly and experienced a really, really hard reckoning with the return of acne and weight gain in my appearance. The effects these negative occurrences had in my life were far more impactful than positive events such as the incredible celebrations I was fortunate enough to be part of, travel with classmates turned dear friends and quality time with my family. Gable & Haidt stated that negative information, events, and interactions became the figure to the positive ground because they are the exception and not the norm (Gable & Haidt, 2005). This was it - these negative hurdles were merely the exception, the colorful life I was living was full of awe and positivity but for some reason, I couldn’t appreciate it. It is with this intention that I return to what healed me at the beginning of the Pandemic - the written word. It is my belief that through this platform I can once again rewrite the narrative of my life to prioritize what matters most - my happiness.
Sources:
Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s search for meaning. New York. Simon and Schuster. (P60-80).
Gable, S. L., & Haidt, J. (2005). What (and why) is positive psychology? Review of General Psychology 9, 103-110.
Shepard, D., & Padman, M. (Hosts). (2018-present.) Armchair Expert [Audio podcast]. Spotify. https://open.spotify.com/episode/7d3NdDcjg1jQ7QBIt5gdpC?si=59JHIvpkRQKBlzd-5QbV7Q
