Dating and it’s evolution through time and technology is truly quite fascinating. Add in the post-pandemic consequences of excessive fear from media, mass politicization and polarization, and increased solitude; anyone trying to navigate this venture is bound to experience unexpected struggles. It isn’t easy!

In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes her call for courage through Theodore Roosevelt’s quote (above) and use of the arena metaphor. The notion isn’t far off from the experience of dating - one must be willing to fall face-first in the arena to understand the nuances. When I was in a relationship, I thought I understood what my friends were going through but it isn’t the same being in the audience watching others prevail (Daring Greatly). I remember feeling relieved that I didn’t have to do all that my friends were doing and the relief turned into dread when I did become single. Entering the dating arena was terrifying. it felt like there were too many reasons not to enter – they won’t like you, they’ll like you only to want something, they’ll like you but that will all come to a crashing end after some time and YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO CONTROL ANY OF IT. How about no? The thing about learning so much about psychology and the brain’s response to fear is that it doesn’t make experiencing any of it easier. The bitter pill of humanity. It wasn’t until I read Atlas of the Heart that I realized that to love is to be hurt and that’s the only thing that we can be certain of when going into a relationship (Brown). How tragic, simple, yet beautiful. It felt like catharsis with my emotional wall of armor that I realized needed to be lowered so that I could see what’s out there. This and being nudged by my two best friends, let’s be honest.

Now that this metaphoric wall was lowered, it needed to be crossed over and I was told by one of my best friends that I needed accountability – find friends to go on their own dates the same night so that you can get ready with them and force yourself out the door. My two best friends were in different states but they were immediately in and thus began – Dates in Different States.

While it started as a method of accountability with a snappy name, it’s much more than that – it’s the journey that you get to experience alongside your best friends. It shifted my perspective on dating as a punishment for those who are single to an exciting experience with endless possibilities and opportunities to learn about yourself further. Society harps on the “destination” of dating and the value being finding someone and all the pressure of that person being your “soulmate” and ‘THE one.” If we allow ourselves to truly enjoy the process, it enables us to stay present and live our lives rather than live for the future. So for anyone who is looking for a reason to start dating or even for those people who have been at it, grab your closest friends and plan a night to do it all together and remember that there are more forms of love than just romantic. Together, you can enter the vulnerable arena by embracing the lack of control, letting go of preconceived conceptions, and letting in the endless possibility of what’s out there.

Sources:

Brown Brené. Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House Large Print, 2022.

Brown Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Life, 2015.