As I continue reading Smarter, Faster, Better by Charles Duhigg, I’ve really been rethinking some of my practices and whether they’re serving me anymore. I’ve decided that several things need to be reflected on and let go which really is something that’s extremely challenging for me. It’s easy for me to make a plan and start something but stopping is an entirely different matter. There is always room for growth in everything I do so to me, as long as I’m growing I’m happy. This becomes unfeasible at times with things I attempt to juggle. But in terms of monthly goals, I decided to add an intention of the month that was in line with my Word of the Year (Wholeheartedness).

Last month, my intention was to accept praise. Something that I began noticing I was becoming unable to do. Looking back at my life, it becomes pretty clear that when this is happening is also when I’m my most anxious self mentally. It was a wake up call to my mental health journey that I needed to slow down a bit more and leave space for creativity and joy, two things that always make me feel my best. The challenge with these two as a planner is that they can rarely be planned (mental note to bring back disconnect days which have been challenging ever since I moved to NYC).

When the month first began, I was extremely intentional with this. I told my best friends about it so that they could hold me accountable (i.e., catch me if I am to try to dismiss praise, downplay things, etc.) and really spoke to myself with major “hype-up” and positive energy. Soon, this transformed to me seeing myself in a positive life. It began with things that I was doing that I was really proud of. This transformed to how I was able to do the things. By the end of the month, I felt almost like a different person with the initial feeling of having to fake this mindset. After a trip I had taken recently, I even felt like a narcissist because of how much I was talking about myself. Narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. So much so that I even thought about toning it down because it felt so foreign to be occupying so much of conversations and space.

But today, as I was reflecting on this, I thought to myself - who TF cares. A thought that I’m really not known to have and it felt honestly freeing. Whether or not I’m truly transforming into a narcissist, only time will tell. However, I do wonder if its possible to find a balance between awareness and confidence on the personality spectrum or will the pendulum always swing from one side to another with image of oneself.

Sources:

Contributors, WebMD Editorial. “Narcissism: 5 Signs to Help You Spot Narcissistic Behavior.” WebMD, WebMD, https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/narcissism-symptoms-signs#:~:text=Narcissism%20is%20extreme%20self%2Dinvolvement,behavior%20has%20on%20other%20people.

Duhigg, Charles. Smarter Faster Better. Random House USA, 2017.