It’s Not the City - It’s What You Do in the City
For a while, I thought that my slower pace of life was attributed to moving to the suburbs. But recently, I had a revelation where I recognized that I’ve just started making it a priority to find joy in my day to day. Whether it’s through starting my day with my morning routine or making time for podcasts that keep me curious or making sure to explore parts of cities that I’ve known about but never experienced. Obviously, slowing down is easier when you have fewer options. I’ll argue though - the suburbs don’t have fewer options; they just have different ones. I think that’s why my two years in San Francisco consisted primarily of going out and drinking every weekend. It was justified at the time because we were ‘young’ but I’ve gained the perspective to know there are so many different people who live different types of lives. Being young doesn’t equal binge drinking. Shocking, right? And just because something is working and feels fun doesn’t mean that it doesn’t need to stop if its preventing personal growth and likely feels that way because its instant gratification. All good things must come to an end, right?
I can’t speak about a group, but I can speak to myself. I can speak to the internal frustration that led me to feel like belonging meant fitting in or doing what others wanted to do. I thought that social validation feeling fun meant that it was the right thing to do. An element of this was likely motivated by the inherent desire humans have for connection. Beyond the connection, it’s likely for true belonging. It’s easy to think that connection with others would help me belong. What I didn’t realize was how paradoxical true belonging is. As Brene Brown states in Braving the Wilderness, “belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness - an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared... But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand (Braving the Wilderness).”But now, I’m eager to not compromise my values because fun is different for so many people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against having a few drinks with friends, but it just so happens that I’ve discovered joy doing other things. And, drinking WHILE doing other things is just double the fun. Maybe this new perspective comes from the burnout that came from city living or maybe I’m just growing up (crying in the club quite literally), but either way, I’m finding lots of comfort in knowing that I can still have my own fun, while being around others who might be doing different things.
This concept of finding joy daily and becoming my truest self-seemed so foreign at the time I started therapy about a year ago because I didn’t ‘know what I want.’ A recent taste of life in the new normal gave me so much clarity in knowing that I do want to have fun but the way I can do that without compromising my values is through effective expectation setting and making sure that when I say yes, I mean it wholeheartedly. For those who still feel this way, trust me, personal development goes a long way in the path of self-discovery. Not to mention how therapy helps expedite that in my opinion.
With that self-discovery came a realignment to my values and the recognition that for me, it wasn’t an option to not live my values day in and day out. And that is why I know that it’s really not the city, it’s what you do in the city. This revelation couldn’t have occurred at a more opportune time because I just so happen to be moving to one of the biggest, fast-paced cities in this county (and believe me, the excitement can hardly be contained because WHAT an opportunity). I know that I want to be able to be as present as possible while I’m in New York and explore the city from corner to corner. I also want to make sure to make the most of my graduate school program. Malcolm Gladwell changed my perception of success in his novel Outliers when he stated, “Outliers are those who have been given opportunities - and who have had the strength and presence of mind to seize them.” By no means am I claiming that I’m an outlier but there’s something so empowering about knowing the power of strength and presence can have when converged with an opportunity.
Perhaps balance is a myth and maybe I will never succeed being able to do all three, but the tools in my toolkit (one of the cutest/best phrases that my fellow Goalie/BFF, Alisha uses) will allow me to set effective boundaries. I’m excited to continue to prioritize my Non-Negotiables – sleeping, eating, exercising, and morning + night routines (read How a Priority List Helped Me Become More Efficient). They’ve established the foundation for me to effectively manage my time to achieve the goals that are in line with my values. Despite the dopamine boost I receive when I get to cross things off my To-Do list or achieve goals, I realize that true “play” is without a purpose or desired end goal (We Can Do Hard Things). This might come naturally to most but for me, I have to break through the idea that I have to ‘earn my fun’. And lastly, they fully allow me to immerse myself in “fun” with because life should be worth living.
So, here’s to continuing my Priority List, practicing Results + Goals Day, and living my values every day to completely allow myself to belong as my truest self.
Sources:
Brown, Brené. Braving the Wilderness: the Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Random House, 2019.
Gladwell, Malcolm. Outliers. Penguin, 2009.
Cadence13. “FUN: What the hell is it and why do we need it?” We Can Do Hard Things. 1 June 2021. https://open.spotify.com/episode/2DKFa6d8Fs2H5JQOs5Vw8E?si=-HJLRllsRs2DLGUWpSXPCg
