Planning comforts me like nothing else. What once began as stress-relief turned into a method of inciting control into things that I perceived I could. It comes with an array of benefits like the organization, efficiency, etc. But the downside leads to thinking that I have control over things and the discomfort that comes when they don’t execute as planned. So, when the Pandemic began, I had no issues adjusting because my plan was clear: get out of my rut.

I had been feeling so burned out with my own lifestyle and constantly had “need to get my life together” on the top of my mind and to-do list. An enforced lockdown meant that everybody would be confined to their homes as the members of this nation battled this new challenge. I no longer had to try to say no to things. It was easy. I was granted time to do the things that I always craved time for. I delved deep into my personal development and made fitness strides through reaching and setting new goals. This turned out to be just the beginning of what I saw I could accomplish for myself - sometimes it takes physical accomplishments to recognize that there’s value (so much, if not more than physical) in what you can’t see and what you feel.

While I empathize with people when they struggle with solitude, I couldn’t have felt the loneliness less myself. The one thing that I’m secure about in my life is my relationships with people. I feel comfortable knowing that despite not seeing some people for a few months, the closeness doesn’t change and the amount of care you have for them doesn’t dissolve.

But as the world prepares to reach it’s “new normal,” I am encompassed with anxiety that I like to coin, Reverse Anxiety, towards fearing that I’d return to my old ways or have to say no and how much that will suck. While many may have admired my ability to be expressive about my new discovery and ‘transformation’ , I knew deep down that it was easy. I knew that the challenge would be once we return to how things were in the past when I was struggling.

Beyond myself, it’s frustration and disappointment towards the world and those in it who don’t recognize that returning to how things were ISN'T WORKING. Unless you’ve lived under a rock, you’re aware of the social awakening that this country has experienced. Many similar to me have had a mental and/or spiritual awakenings of their own. Quoting my brave baby cousin as she coined this her “internal glow-up” shows how so many people are seeing and learning things they weren’t before and they are ready for change. 

We all crave connection and belonging (Unlocking Us). It’s one of the core components that makes us who we are – humans. When I apply this thinking to my feelings of reverse anxiety, it makes so much more sense. Not only am I craving that acceptance towards this change I’m experiencing, but I’m unsure if this thought doesn’t “belong” in the minds of others and that I’m alone in experiencing this.

Time went on as I held onto this discomfort. It wasn’t easy, I’ll be honest. Recently, I’ve been feeling relief in knowing that there’s little I have control over besides myself. It’s easy to think logically when I know that I don’t need to say yes to things that I don’t want to do. It’s the story I tell myself that leads to the guilt/thoughts that come after. Writing has helped me heal and see past what my mind perceives to be true vs what is true. (I see the opportunity to take this in an entirely different direction with the question of ‘what even is true?’ but I’ll save the existentialist thoughts for another time). What I’m able to see is that there's a thin line between being present and having fun and taking it too far. And for me, that comes naturally because there’s always the tendency to want, do, or have more. But I write this as a reminder of myself that in addition to setting my pre-event intention to being present and establish expectations and continuing to write to heal, I have comfort through the form of hope to normalize some of this internal experience revolving around change externally. I close with one of my favorite Glennon Doyle quotes that resonates so deeply: “Reading is my inhale and writing is my exhale.”

I can’t control what’s happening, but I can keep on reading and writing to my heart’s desire.